Title: Jedi, Incorporated
Synopsis: When the Jedi Council faces a severe budget crisis, it must find new sources of income quickly or risk disaster.
Main Characters: Qui-Gon Jinn, Obi-Wan Kenobi
Secondary Characters: Jedi Council members
Prologue: Who's Going to Pay the Electric Bill?
There is no emotion, there is peace.
There is no ignorance, there is knowledge.
There is no passion, there is serenity.
There is no death, there is the Force.
Jedi use their powers for defense, never for attack. They use their powers to promote peace, never to destroy it. They use their powers to...
A young Padawan raised his hand. "Master Yoda", he said, "all that Jedi Code, guardians of peace and justice stuff sounds nice, but I didn't think I heard "make money" anywhere in there. Did I miss something?" But Master Yoda answered. "Money leads to capitalism. Capitalism leads to consumerism. Consumerism leads to advertising. Advertising leads to deception. Deception leads to corruption. Corruption is a crime. Crime doesn't pay. So if we have money - did I just contradict myself?" The Padawan said, "I see what you're saying, Master Yoda, but to run an operation like this must require a lot of money. There's salaries, maintenance costs, utilities charges, plus a 200-story building like this right in the middle of Coruscant - the rent must be through the roof!" Master Yoda, seeing that the Padawan was about to best him in this debate, tried to change the subject. "When 900 years old you reach, wiser you will be", he said. "Use the Force you must. Do not turn to the dark side of worldly temptations. To the light side you must stay." but the Padawan realized that this didn't answer his question. "I know all that", he said, "my one question is, who's going to pay the electric bill?"
Chapter 1: One
Strike, You're Out
"Coruscant Police Dispatch to Air Unit Alpha. Major civil disturbance reported. Ground traffic blocked in all directions. Street grid coordinates, 143 north by 746 west. Proceed to location to investigate."
The police air-unit pilot turned his craft toward the destination, and proceeded there cautiously. "143 north by 746 west, that's right outside the Jedi Temple," he thought. "Whatever's going on down there, must be something major."
When he reached his destination, he reported back. "Air Unit Alpha to Dispatch. I'm over the designated coordinates. It's some kind of demonstration down there, at least two thousand people. They're all carrying some kind of glowing stick thing, can't tell what that is."
"Dispatch to Alpha. Use standard operating procedures."
The pilot activated his ship's audio amplifier and spoke into the input device. "Demonstrators. This is the Coruscant Police. We order you to disperse immediately. If you do not, we will have to use force." But the demonstrators showed no sign of moving. "Unit Alpha to Dispatch. No sign of movement. Requesting authorization to use crowd-dispersion weapons."
"Wait a second. Can you repeat what you saw again?"
"At least two thousand people, all carrying some kind of glowing stick. I don't know why, I guess the Glow Stick Manufacturer's Association must be angry about something, but I don't know what."
"Dispatch to Unit Alpha. They're Jedi. Do not use weaponry. Repeat. Do not use weaponry."
Meanwhile, in the Jedi Council Chambers, the Jedi Council was in an emergency meeting. Obi-Wan Kenobi addressed the Council: "There is a great disturbance in the Force. I am sure you have noticed there are over two thousand Jedi gathered outside the Temple entrance. And why? They are on strike."
"A strike?", asked Master Windu. "They are going to strike down an enemy of the Light?"
"No, not that kind of strike," said Obi-Wan. "A labor strike. Many of the Jedi have not been paid a single credit in over twelve months. According to these official records, the Jedi Order owes over a hundred million credits in back pay to thousands of Jedi."
"A hundred million credits?" asked Master Yoda. "No can pay them, pay them all. Have the money we do not. Have only twenty-five million credits we do." Obi-Wan Kenobi shook his head. "Okay," he said. "We will take the twenty-five million and return to work immediately. But if we do not receive all of our back pay within 60 days, we will be forced to go on strike again."
The meeting was about to end, when a mail droid entered the chambers, beeping and whirring. Master Windu took the two letters off the mail droid's delivery tray and opened them. "Here's the first one," he said. "Coruscant Real Estate Company. It says, "Our records show that your organization, the Jedi Order, has missed several monthly mortgage payments for the property listed below, the Jedi Temple. If you do not make all back payments, in the amount of 150,000,000 credits, within 60 days, we will be forced to repossess your property.""
"Maybe it wan't such a good idea to take a 200-story building right in the middle of downtown Coruscant," said Qui-Gon Jinn. "But on the other hand, it is very conveniently located with easy access to many common hubs of violence and injustice." Mace Windu opeened the next letter. "Coruscant Electric Power Company. You have not paid your electric bill recently, plesae pay 75 million credits in back payments within 60 days or your service gets shut down."
It took a while for everyone in the Jedi council to realize the implications of what they had just discovered. "We have to make 300 million credits in 60 days," said Obi-Wan Kenobi. And there's only one way to do that."
What is the "one way" for the Jedi Council to make a lot of money fast? Will they do it? Will they succeed - or fail? Stay tuned for the next chapter of "Jedi, Incorporated," coming up next, only on the TFN FanFiction forums!
Chapter 2: The
Obi-Wan Kenobi explained his idea. "We can use advertising, to get people to donate money," he said. "Huh?", replied all the members of the Jedi Council in unison. Obi-Wan continued: "Basically, the idea is that we make a short video, about 30 seconds or so, to persuade people to give us money. Then, we show it to a whole bunch of other people, and then collect the donations."
"But how do we get people to watch our little video, or "advertisement" as you call it?"
"What we do is we find a holovision program that lots of people are watching. Then we pay the producers of that program to have them show our ad during the commercial breaks. All the people watching the show will then see our ad!"
Yoda replied, "Brilliant idea this is! Advertisements we will make!"
AD NUMBER 1
The evil Sith destroyed Taris.
The evil Empire destroyed Alderaan.
The forces of evil almost destroyed Endor.
Your planet could be next.
But here at the Jedi Temple, we train Jedi Knights to fight the forces of evil, to make the galaxy safe for you and your family.
The least you can do is give us some money.
AUDIO AND TEXT:
Jedi Knights. The guardians of peace and jusice in the galaxy.
United Galactic Way # 135797531.
AD NUMBER 2
A man sits in his living room with his family in an apartment on Alderaan. They are reading their mail.
It's the Jedi again. All they ever ask for is money, money, money. I don't care what they say, what have they done for us? Lets just forget it. We won't give them a single credit.
VISUAL: They rip up the letter and throw it away. Almost immediately, a large green beam appears outside their window.
VISUAL: Cut to wide shot of planet. Planet is blown up by Death Star.
The terrible tragedy you just witnessed could have been prevented if there was a Jedi Knight in the right place at the right time to blow up the Death Star. And you know how you can make that happen? That's right, send us more money! Your money goes toward training more Jedi Knights and stationing them everywhere across the galaxy, so they'll be where you need them, when you need them.
AUDIO AND TEXT:
Jedi Knights. The guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy.
United Galactic Way # 135797531.
AUDIO READ UNBELIEVABLY INCREDIBLY FAST LIKE IN THOSE CAR ADS ON THE RADIO SO IT'S ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO UNDERSTAND UNLESS YOU HAVE SOME SORT OF - I DONT KNOW - SOMETHING REALLY WEIRD: Disclaimer: Jedi may not be available in all areas. The Jedi Order disclaims any responsibility for disasters caused by current or former Jedi, including but not limited to: destruction of starships (especially those with blatantly obvious weak points such as unshielded reactor cores), turning to the dark side (which may result in nasty consequences including destruction of planets, helping the Evil Empire, and unbelievably long and excessively drawn-out familial angst scenes between Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker that make you wonder when they'll just shut up and start fighting), and the indiscriminate killing of dozens of extras (those with speaking parts excepted).
Will the desperate blast of advertising bring in enough money to avert the crisis? Or will it still fall short and even more extreme measures have to be adopted? Stay tuned for the next chapter of "Jedi, Incorporated", only on the TFN FanFiction forums!
[SYSTEM ALERT - LEGAL THREAT DETECTED]
[INITIATING DEFENSE MODE]
[WARNING - LEGAL DISCLAIMER]
Any similarity of the products or advertising campaigns mentioned in this story to any real-life product or advertisement is intended for humor purposes only and should not be construed as an endorsement of said product. The author is not affiliated with, nor has received any compensation from, any of the companies whose products or advertisements are featured or parodied in this story. This disclaimer applies to the entire story, not just this chapter.
[LEGAL DISCLAIMER TERMINATED]
[RE-INITIALIZE MAIN DATA FEED]
Chapter 3: Capitalism 101
And so the Jedi Council broadcast its ads all over the galaxy (at least everywhere in the galaxy that had holo-vision) and awaited the donations. Donations came, but within a few weeks they trickled to a halt. The Jedi Council still did not have enough money to cover its shortfall, so another emergency meeting was called.
Obi-Wan Kenobi explained his new plan for generating money. "The only way we can do this is to cash in on product endorsements," he explained. "Basically, what we do is have companies agree to pay us money for us to appear in their ads, then more people will buy their products, and we get more money too." "Confused I am," replied Yoda. "Wise I am, but not that wise." The rest of the Jedi Council was similarly confused, so Qui-Gon Jinn tried to explain it in a way that might make it clearer.
"It's like this. Mace Windu, how do you maintain such a clean scalp with virtually no hair anywhere on it?"
"I use the Norelco Electric Shaver 3000, why?"
"That's it. Now we can get Norelco to pay you money to go on their ads and talk about how great a product it is. You're famous, so people will listen to you, and they'll sell more shavers. We also get money from them paying you."
"That sounds like a great idea. Are there any catches?"
"Well, there is one. The main catch is that oftentimes, you'll be endorsing a product that you yourself wouldn't use, just so you can get the money."
"But doesn't that defeat the whole point of a product endorsement?"
"Well, yeah, I guess. So we can do this: we'll just endorse products that we ourselves would use. That way we stay honest, yet still get the money."
"That sounds like a good idea. Let's get to work!"
And so they all went to work trying to find products to endorse. A day later, Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi came before the Jedi Council with their first prototype ad:
One X-wing fighter to fly down the trench: 200,000 credits.
One targeting computer that you don't need: 1,000 credits.
Two proton torpedoes to fire at the thermal exhaust port: 2,500 credits.
Destroying the Death Star and saving Yavin: Priceless.
There are some things money can't buy.
For everything else, there's MasterCard.
The official credit card of the Jedi Knights.
When the Jedi Council saw this prototype, they all freaked in unison. "What in the Force is this?", they said. "Jedi are supposed to be the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy, not endorsing some silly credit card!" "It's not silly," Obi-Wan Kenobi replied. "I mean, just think about how much more peace and justice there will be in the galaxy once people realize that they can get a 5.9 percent introductory APR for six months with no annual fee and no hidden charges!" And so they agreed to forge ahead with this new "endorsement" plan, though they wwere unsure of where it might lead.
Will this innovative new plan succeed? Or will it turn out to be a devious tool of the Dark Side, insidiously corrupting the Jedi Order from the inside on out? Or will other considerations foil the plan, necessitating that it be redesigned? Find out in the next chapter of "Jedi, Incorporated," coming up next, only on the TFN FanFiction Formus!
Chapter 4: It
Just Keeps Going, And Going, And ...
VISUAL: Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi are in the Trade Federation cruiser seen in The Phantom Menace . The corridor starts to fill up with gas.
QUI-GON JINN: Use the Force, young Padawan, to protect yourself from the poison gas.
OFF-STAGE AUDIO: The Force, eh? Can't get away with that now, can you?
VISUAL: Mechanical arms come out of the wall and snap Force inhibitors around Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan's necks. Qui-Gon Jinn pulls out a roll of duct tape from under his robe.
QUI-GON JINN: We donn't have the force, so we better use the next best thing: Duct tape!
VISUAL: Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan use the duct tape to cover up all the gas vents.
QUI-GON JINN: I told you duct tape would work! And go buy new 3M Innovation Super Enhanced duct tape for 25 percent more sticking power!
VOICEOVER: Duct Tape. Recommended by the Department of Homeland Security.
VISUAL: Obi-Wan Kenobi and Qui-Gon Jinn are in the Jedi Council chambers waiting to speak to Yoda.
OBI-WAN KENOBI: I have a moral dilemma here. I want to talk to my friends, who live all the way over on the other side of Coruscant. I know I'm not supposed to use the Force for trivial things, but is it okay to use the Force to contact them telepathically?
YODA: Use the Force not for such trivial things, young Padawan. For that is the path to the dark side.
OBI-WAN KENOBI: But then what am I supposed to do? I only have 100 credits. How am I supposed to reach him? It's a long-distance call!
YODA: A 20-minute call for only 99 credits you can get, young Padawan.
OBI-WAN KENOBI: That cheap? How is that possible?
QUI-GON JINN: He's talking about 10-10-220. You can get a 20-minute call for only 99 credits, and just 7 credits a minute after that!
VISUAL: Obi-Wan Kenobi is fighting a Dark Jedi in a lightsaber duel.
AUDIO: The final phase of the Jedi Trials: to defeat a Dark Jedi in a duel. Obi-Wan Kenobi has trained for years, but will he be able to do it?
VISUAL: The Dark Jedi raises his lightsaber to strike, and Obi-Wan raises his to block it. As the Dark Jedi swings his lightsaber downward, Obi-Wan's lightsaber flickers and dies. The Dark Jedi's lightsaber blade cuts Obi-Wan neatly in two.
VISUAL: Cloes-up of Obi-Wan's fallen lightsaber. The "BATTERY LOW" light is flashing.
AUDIO: It looks like Obi-Wan can't do it, at least not without the help of new Energizer Long-Lasting Batteries. These advanced batteries last over 50 percent longer than regular Energizers, so you'll have plenty of battery power wherever you need it.
VISUAL: The "Energizer Gizka", a small, pink figure shaped like a Gizka from "SW: KOTOR", rolls across the screen.
AUDIO: Energizer. It just keeps going, and going, and going...
When the Jedi Council saw those ads, they liked the first two, but the third made them nervous. "In our tests, Duracell batteries last over 35 percent longer than even the new Energizer Long-Lasting Batteries, plus they're cheaper. Energizer might be offering use more money to advertise, but we can't fall to the dark side of money and dishonesty!", Mace Windu said. "And besides, didn't we already agree that we wouldn't advertise products we ourselves wouldn't use?
"We can think of it this way," Qui-Gon Jinn told the Jedi Council. "Why would we want our enemies to know exactly which kind of batteries to use?" Yoda began to reply. "Are you suggesting deception? Deception leads to treachery. Treachery leads fighting. Fighting leads to killing. Killing leads to blood. Blood leads to -"
"No, what I mean is that we want to advertise Energizer batteries. Then all the Dark Jedi will use Energizers, and we can use Duracells and gain the all-important edge in lightsaber duels!
Chapter 5: Shortfall
It was 59 days after the beginning of the crisis: no more time to raise more money, just time to count up what had already been received. Despite all their valiant efforts, they had managed to raise only 230 million credits of the 300 million needed. They had to choose who not to pay: the mortgage company, the Jedi labor union, or the electric company. The Jedi Council met for one last time, to make the decision.
"We definitely want to pay the labor union. If the Jedi go on strike again, we'll be completely crippled."
"So who should we not pay?"
"Let's think about this logically. We know the mortgage company has lots of very powerful collection agents, and they can probably kill us quite easily."
"Kill us? How?"
"Well, if whoever designed the Jedi Temple hadn't been stupid enough to put the Jedi Council right at the top of the building where it is very easy for anyone to kill us simply by flying an air vehicle into it, we might be safer, but we have to think about what we got."
"So are you saying that we don't pay the electric company? Then aren't they going to cut off our power?"
"That's no big deal. We have backup generators."
"What backup generators? We took those out years ago. We do a pretty good job blowing up other people's reactors, we don't want them blowing up ours."
"Well, it's not like we have a choice. The decision is made."
Throughout the evenging, Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi worked feverishly to devise a plan to keep the power flowing. But the plan would require all the Jedi in the Temple to work together, and to use the Force.
What is in store next for these brave Jedi? Will they succeed in fighting off the evil Coruscant Electric Power Corporation and make the world safe for democracy? (And hopefully make a few credits off it, too?) There's only one wyay to find out: Stay tuned for the next chapter of "Jedi, Incorporated", coming up next, only on the TFN FanFiction Forums!
Chapter 6: Power
Coruscant Electric Power Corporation
Main Generating Station
Main Control Room
The evil Emperor Electricon stood smugly in his lair. "Those little puny Jedi," he smirked. "Always trying to protect the galaxy, eh? But they can't even pay their bills on time. Its about time to turn their little operation to the - shall I say - dark side." The Emperor turned to his subordinate. "Cut their power. All of it." He pushed some buttons on the conrol panel. "It doesn't work. The control system's busted."
"I am most displeased with your performance."
"It's not my fault. It was working fine a minute ago. What did you do, install Windows 95 on all the computers?"
"Forget it. Just get someone out there to shut it down manually."
Meanwhile, at the Jedi Temple, all the Jedi had their thoughts focused on the single large power relay that was was connected to the Jedi Temple's power systems. Use the Force, thought Qui-Gon Jinn, using telepathy to transmit his message to all the Jedi in the temple. Keep the power flowing.
Obi-Wan Kenobi was standing near the power relay, making sure nothing bad was happening. Soon, he saw a black cloaked figure approach him. Obi-Wan drew his lightsaber and ignited it, and the black figure stopped.
"What are you waiting for?", asked Obi-Wan.
"What do you mean, 'What are you waiting for?' I just have to get by here to turn off that power relay."
"That's what I'm trying to prevent. Ignite your lightsaber, and then we can fight."
"What lightsaber? I don't have a lightsaber."
"Well, I could just kill you right here and now. But for some odd reason I have to wait until you ignite your lightsaber."
"Why do you have to wait?"
"Okay. If you really want to know, it was a condition of my contract. They said that we have to make the battles more interesting because that way they can make more money if they make a movie about me. It's stupid. Quite stupid. But I do it anyway."
"Why are we waiting here like this?"
"Do you have a lightsaber so we can fight?"
"A lightsaber? If the Coruscant Electric Power Corporation had enough money to give every one of their electricians a lightsaber, they wouldn't need your little puny electric bill."
"Oh, so you're not a Dark Jedi then? Well, in that case, the aforementioned clause in my contract is null and void, so I can kill you now."
"Wait! But aren't you also not supposed to kill anyone with a speaking part? And I've spoken five lines already! And six, if you count this one! Help- - !!"
Emperor Electricon tried to contact the electrician on his comlink, but failed. He turned to his most truested assistant and right-hand man, Darth Revak. "It's your turn now, Darth Revak," he said in a sinister voice. "You will go in, along with another nameless, faceless electrician that doesn't speak any lines. Distract the Jedi while the electrician shuts the relay down. You must not fail."
Darth Revak approached Obi-Wan Kenobi, his bright red lightsaber drawn. Revak swung his lightsaber at Kenobi, and he blocked it. The two lightsabers stayed pressed against each other in the "X" position for several seconds.
"You know, Darth Revak, I could just swipe my lightsaber blade down along yours and hit you in your hand, but that would just be too easy."
"Too cowardly to do it, eh? Join the dark side. There you will gain true power."
"The Obligatory Taunt Phase of this lightsaber battle is up. Let's get to fighting!"
Meanwhile, the electrician had snuck around Revak and Kenobi and was about to turn off the power. But when he pulled the manual shutoff swithc, it exploded in a shower of sparks. He spoeke into his comlink.
"71354 to Control. Something just exploded down here. What are your readings on the relay's status?"
"Not very good. Main control system offline, manual shutoff has been short-circuited. Relay is becoming unstable."
"What should I do now?"
"Get out of that maintenance corridor as fast as you can. We may have to physically isolate the relay from the rest of the power grid."
What new danger will our heroes - and villains - face? Will they be able to solve their crisis before it morphs into a disaster, or will they fall prey to the evil machinations of the Coruscant Electric Power Company? Or will it be the Jedi themselves who turn out to be the agents of destruction? Stay tuned for the next chapter of "Jedi, Incorporated", coming up next, only on the TFN FanFiction Forums!
Chapter 7: Power
<Coruscant Electric Generating Plant - Main Control Room>
Emperor Electricon addressed his military commander. "Get everything we have out there", he said. "Explosives, heavy artillery - destroy the power conduit to isolate the relay before it goes critical." But the commander didn't understand. "What do you mean, explosives? All we have are infantry."
"Really? Just one unit type? Okay, fine, send in the infantry. Just make sure they can shoot straight.I am sick and tired of these so-called "elite" forces who can't even hit a human-sized target three meters away."
<Maintenance Corridor 18317-A>
Empperor Electricon's stormtroopers marched down the corridor, but they were soon stopped by a wall of dozens of Jedi with their lightsabers drawn. They shot their blasters at the Jedi, but the Jedi easily deflected them back, killing several of the stormtroopers. The more the stormtroopers fired, the more they were hit by their own blaster bolts.Immediately afterward, the stormtrooper's squad leader had a brilliant idea. "Okay everyone! Cease fire and retreat! We have to come up with a better plan!"
Warning. Malfunction in power relay 18317-A14. 3 minutes to critical.
The squad leader explained the plan to his stormtroopers. "What we have to do is have three of us fire at each Jedi. That way they won't be able to block it."
"And that kills them? I thought nothing can kill a Jedi!"
"But if three of us fire at each Jedi in unison, then however they hold their lightsabers they can only block two of them. One is bound to hit!"
"It might be hard to coordinate like that, we'll have to al fire at exactly the same time. I suppose if we had battle droids it would be trivial to program them to do that, but with humans it might be tougher."
Warning. Malfunction in power relay 18317-A14. 2 minute to critical.
The stormtroopers put their plan in action. Three to a Jedi, they let loose their blaster bolts. About a third of the Jedi fell, the rest were lucky enough to have one of the three miss them completely. The rest panicked and retreated. "This wasn't in the training at all!" one yelled. "At least my Jedi Master told me you only have to learn how to block two at a time in order to pass the final exam!"
Warning. Malfunction in power relay 18317-A14. 1 minute to critical.
Meanwhile, Darth Revak and Obi-Wan Kenobi were stil fighting in the power relay room. Kenobi made an attack, but Revak dodged out of the way and responded with a powerful swing that knocked Kenobi to the ground and his lightsaber out of his hand. Revak put his glowing red lightsaber up to Kenobi's throat. "Ha ha ha, in just seconds we'll all be dead. And it's all your own fault. You're the one who messed up the relay. You and your little Jedi." Revak's lightsaber started to flicker. "No way! I ran out of batteries! How can that be if I am using the Energizer Long-Lasting Batteries!" Kenobi picked up his own lightsaber. "I am using Duracell. Fooled you with advertising, didn't I?"
Kenobi stabbed Revak with his lightsaber, then rushed down the maintenance corridor. The stormtroopers were on their way to destroy the power conduit to which the relay was connected, but it was too late.
5, 4, 3, 2, 1, ...
You probalby don't need another inane, semi-rhythmic teaser full of overdone rhetorical questions and thinly disguised plot foreshadowing to guess what is going to happen next. But what happens next-to-next might be harder to predict. So you'd better stay tuned for the next chapter of "Jedi, Incorporated", coming up next, only on the TFN FanFiction Forums!
Chapter 8: Fade
The power relay exploded in a shower of sparks, sending a devastating electromagnetic blast wave throughout the maintenance corridor. The stormtroopers fell to its onslaught, but Kenobi was able to rush away and climb up a maintenance ladder safely into the confines of the Jedi Temple. He found Qui-Gon Jinn waiting at the top of the ladder. "I did it! I did it!" Obi-Wan excitedly shouted. But almost immediately, the lights went out. They managed to find a way to a window, and all the buildings they saw appeared dark.
"I assume it wasn't our exploding power relay that did this", Kenobi said.
"I think it was, young Padawan."
"Great idea about using the Force to mess around with that relay, Qui-Gon Jinn. You just knocked out power to the entire city. And besides, I'm not a Padawan anymore. I defeated a Dark Jedi, so I'm a Jedi Knight now."
"We'll talk about the Jedi Knight thing later. For now, let's get to the hangar. We have defeated the enemy here, time to take the fight to the enemy stronghold.
Minutes later, dozens of Jedi Starfighters could be seen zooming out of the Temple's hangar bays and traveling through the atmosphere. Their destination: the Coruscant Electric Power Corporation's main generating plant.
<En route to destination, in Kenobi and Jinn's Starfighter>
"So, Master Jinn, let's talk about that Jedi Knight thing again. I thought the last phase of the Jedi Trials was to defeat a Dark Jedi. I did that, so I'm in, right?"
"Well, first we have to see whether it actually counts, or whether it was offensive interference."
"What does that mean, and how are you going to check?"
Qui-Gon Jinn pushed some buttons on the Jedi Starfighter's control panel. Security camera footage of the battle came up on the screen. "We have to look at the instant replay."
"What? What instant replay? I thought referee error was part of the game here, Master Jinn! In my opinion, if you can trick your Jedi Master into thinking you killed a Dark Jedi when in fact you didn't, then I think that shows you're good enough to be let in!"
"Deception? That is the path to the dark side. The light side is one of truth and knowledge. Anyway, accoring to the instant replay, Darth Revak was clearly still alive at the time the power relay exploded. Therefore, the death was caused by the exploding relay, not by you, so this kill is disqualified."
"What? Based on some newfangled technological gadget? Tradition! I thought the Jedi were all about tradition! Humanity - personalization - humans with all their flaws - that was what it was all about! And now you throw that right out the window and replace it with some ridiculous computer thing? The old system worked fine for millenia, why change it now?"
"I'm supposed to be the one advocating for tradition here, young Padawan", Qui-Gon Jinn told Kenobi. "I'm the old dude, so I'm the tradition guy, you're the one who is doing the new stuff. And let me tell you, this is one tradition I'm happy to do away with."
<Coruscant Electric Power Company - Main Generating Plant>
The Jedi Starfighters circled the generating plant. They could see that its reactor tower was severely dmaged, with smoke shoooting out of all sides and fires breaking out all around. "Well, at least we don't have to destroy the main reactor this time, but it looks like they're smart," Qui-Gon Jinn commented. "Just because we already destroyed it with that relay, doesn't mean our job is done." Over a hundred Jedi landed on the roof of the main building and started searching for air ducts to climb in through. They all climbed in through the air ducts, and thus the invasion begun.
What is next for our brave Jedi? What horrors will they encounter inside the deep, dark recesses of the power generating plant? Will they survive? Will they defeat the evil Emperor Electricon? And will the fact that they have over a hundred rather than just one or two make any difference whatsoever in the battle's outcome? Stay tuned for the next chapter of "Jedi, Incorporated", coming up next, only on the TFN FanFiction Forums!
Chapter 9: The
Qui-Gon Jinn and Oib-Wan Kenobi crawled in through an air duct on the top of the building. But when they got to the end, they found themselves trapped in a small, empty room just a few meters on each side. There was one large door to the room, but it was locked. Emperor Electricon's voice crackled ominously over the loudspeaker.
"Ha ha ha, I see you climbed into the decoy air duct, you fool. Now you are trapped with no way to escape. And now you will see the consequences of your actions."
The voice over the loudspeaker switched to the familiar voice of the radio.
"... And in breaking news, the entire city of Coruscant has just experienced a massive power failure. This is the first time anything like this has ever happened, and experts are at a loss as to explanations for what could have caused the power outage. Coruscant Electric Power Corporation has refused to give us any estimates as to when the power will be restored, so it's anyone's guess as to when the lights will come back on.
" Massive looting has already been reported throughout the city, or at least in the parts where it's night time, because unlike in many of the sci-fi stories I know, this planet doesn't have a single planet-wide time zone. The Coruscant Police Department is advising all residents to stay inside their homes or dwellings for safety unless absolutely necessary. This is the Galactic News Network."
"We must get power back online", Qui-Gon told Kenobi.
"And if I do that, do I become a Jedi Knight?"
"Selfishness is the path to the dark side, young Padawan. We will discuss compensation after the crisis is resolved."
"Fine. But first we have to get out of this room."
Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi tried to use their lightsabers to cut through the door, but before they could finish, poison gas started spewing out of the vents in the wall. "What are we going to do?" Qui-Gon asked. Obi-Wan Kenobi pulled out a roll of duct tape from under his robe. "Just like in the ad."
After getting out of the trap room alive, they realized that they were still isolated from the hundreds of other Jedi that were participating in the attack. Qui-Gon Jinn spoke into his comlink. "Qui-Gon Jinn to all Jedi. Move toward the main control room. That will be where Emperor Electricon is hiding."
<Outside the Main Control Room>
A huge conglomeration of Jedi stopped outside the large metal sliding doot to the control room. They were all looking at the sign on the door:
ONLY ONE JEDI AT A TIME ALLOWED IN MAIN CONTROL ROOM
"Let's try to avoid a situation where Emperor Electricon kills one of us at a time while the others wait helplessly. We don't want to make the same mistake that stormtroopers make every day."
"I think he's probably too powerful for any one of us. We'll have to find his weakness in order to defeat him."
"What do you mean, weakness? We ALREADY destroyed the main reactor. That's ALWAYS the weakness. So is there another weakness, that's what you are saying?"
Qui-Gon Jinn, though, had another consideration. "We have to remember the six hunderd billion - or is it six trillion - whateverish people on this planet. Killing Emperor Electricon is secondary. Getting the power online is most important."
"What do you suppose we do?", Obi-Wan asked.
"Let's have all but one of us go to the generator room. One should stay here to fight Emperor Electricon."
"Does Emperor Electricon count as a Dark Jedi, Master Jinn?"
"Yes he does, young Padawan."
"Then I want to stay."
<INSIDE THE MAIN CONTROL ROOM>
Obi-Wan Kenobi entered the main control room, prepared for a tough battle with Emperor Electricon. The Emperor unleashed a blast of lightning from his fingertips, stunning Kenobi for a second. But the blast was weak, so he easily recovered.
"Join me, and together we will rule over the darkness of Coruscant."
"Join the Dark Side? You do realize that a 15-minute call to the Jedi Order can turn you to the light side and save you 15% or more on car insurance?"
"Uh, uh, well... you would like to rule over this city, wouldn't you? And then you can have all the money you want!"
<THE GENERATOR ROOM>
Hundreds of Jedi stood staring at the huge generator shaft. This huge, cylindrical generator shaft, at least a hundred meters in diameter and two hundred meters in length, produced almost all of Coruscant's electrical power. Under normal conditions, the main reactor would produce high-intensity plasma that would flow to the huge, solid generator shaft through enormous pipes and exert a force strong enough to turn the generator dozens of times a second. But the reactor was not operational, so the Jedi would have to improvise.
Use the Force. Qui-Gon Jinn said, telepathically communicating it to all the Jedi in unison.
Use the Force. I would say, "Use the Force" and then your name, as in "Use the Force, Luke", but there are way too many of you to call you all by name. So just use the force."
With all the Jedi focusing their telekinetic powers on the generator shaft, the shaft slowly started to turn.
<BACK IN THE MAIN CONTROL ROOM>
Back in the main control room, the computer terminals and overhead lights began to flicker to life. "I will become more powerful than ever now," said Emperor Electricon, shooting another blast of lightning at Obi-Wan Kenobi. The next blast was stronger, and the next stronger still, causing Kenobi to rush out of the main control room. "He's too powerful," Kenobi shouted into his comlink. "We have to find another weak spot."
So what is Emperor Electricon's weak spot? With the main reactor destroyed, but Electricon more powerful than ever, will the Jedi be able to solve the puzzle? In the upcoming chapter, you'll be able to help Obi-Wan Kenobi and Qui-Gon Jinn solve the conundrum in my new, innovative Interactive Mystery Chapter! Stay tuned for the Mystery Chapter Rules and first clues, coming up next, only on the TFN FanFiction Forums!
"I think I might have an idea," Qui-Gon Jinn
told Obi-Wan Kenobi through the comlink. "You'll need to get a midichlorian
count for Emperor Electricon." Kenobi continued his lightsaber duel with the
Emperor, and he eventually nicked the Emperor's shoulder, drawing blood. Using
the power of the Force, Kenobi drew a small amount of blood out of the wound and
into his midichlorian tester. He then rushed out of the room so he could read
"This stupid thing doesn't work", he told Qui-Gon Jinn. "You didn't get me one of those cheap midichlorian testers from CVS, did you?"
"No, I didn't. That is definitely a good one. What's the problem."
"Like I said, the stupid thing doesn't work! It says his midichlorian count is zero! But if that were true, then how could he be using the Force Lightning?"
"Maybe it isn't Force Lightning, young Padawan," Qui-Gon Jinn said.
Qui-Gon Jinn was stumped by the puzzle, so he
decided to ask Yoda for help. Communicating through the Force, Yoda transmitted
a cryptic quote:
"Pride makes one weak. Pride leads to vanity, vanity leads to power, and too much power ... leads to destruction."
COMMERCIAL BREAK ------
Note: This is another funny Jedi Knight commercial that belonged in Chapter 2 but I had the idea for it long after Chapter 2 was posted up. But it's funny enough that I wanted to share it with you, so just pretend this was in chapter 2.
VISUAL: Qui-Gon Jinn is piloting his hovercar through Coruscant. Suddenly, a Trade Federation Droid Starfighter comes up behind him and starts firing. He tries to dodge out of the way, but is hit by a laser bolt and crashes into a building.
VISUAL: Cut to inside of damaged hovercar. Qui-Gon Jinn is uninjured, but is looking at the viewscreen, which says:
ACCIDENT DATA RETRIEVED
RISK ASSESSMENT: HIGH
INSURANCE PREMIUM INCREASED
QUI-GON JINN: Noooooooo!
VOICEOVER: That wasn't so good. Let's try that again.
VISUAL: Go back to original scene. The Droid Starfighter fires at Qui-Gon's hovercar. However, no laser shots hit yet. Cut to inside of hovercar.
QUI-GON JINN: Qui-Gon Jinn to Jedi Dispatch. Inbound Droid Starfighter at coordinates 7742 by 6173. Requesting immediate assistance.
VISUAL: Cut to outside. A Jedi Starfigher comes in from behind and destroys the Droid Starfighter. Qui-Gon's hovercar flies safely onward.
VOICEOVER: Jedi Knights. A 15-second call could save you 15% or more on hovercar insurance.
Qui-Gon Jinn thought about the clues. "I think
Yoda said, "destruction", but there was a lot of static on the line, he might
have said "electrocution". I know, we should have gotten the Sprint PCS Free &
Clear Plan so that wouldn't happen, but too late to think about it now.", Qui-Gon
though. Suddenly, his comlink beeped with a message from Kenobi. "I'm standing
outside the control room now, and I see something really weird. It's like these
cylindrical things, jutting out of the walls, with antenna-shaped things on
their ends. It looks like they are emitting some sort of energy beams toward
Qui-Gon Jinn, however, had yeat another idea. "Wait a second. The word "power" in Yoda's message - do you think that could have more than one meaning?"
Turning To the Light
"Qui-Gon Jinn to Obi-Wan Kenobi. I need your help down here in the generator room."
Obi-Wan rushed down to the generator room to see what was going on. When he got there, he saw Qui-Gon Jinn ready to explain the problem.
"The main control console in the generator room is over on that side of the room. But there's a Dark Jedi guarding it. Here is our plan. I will fight and distract the Dark Jedi. Then you access the control console and divert all the power into the Emperor's wireless power transponders to kill him."
"But we have to get this straight first. I assume that not only does Emperor Electricon count as a Dark Jedi, but I will count as having killed him if we do this plan?"
"Well, actually ... no. He's an Emperor, not a Darke Jedi. He is not even Force sensitive."
"Wait a second. According to the Jedi Code, if a Padawan does not complete the Jedi Trials within fifteen years of being accepted as a Padawan, he is considered a failure and ejected from the Jedi Order. How much time do I have left."
Qui-Gon looked at his chronometer. "About eight hours."
"Then I don't like your plan. I'll kill the Dark Jedi, you deal with the control console."
"Do not be so quick to kill, young Padawan. For there are better options. Anger is the path to the Dark Side."
"Okay, so I'll try to convert him to the light side then?"
Meanwhile, back in the main control room, Emperor Electricon had another idea. "Those Jedi, they have over half of their most powerful members in this one facility. This is the perfect chance to deal a crippling blow to the Jedi Order." Emperor Electricon pushed a button on his chestplate.
Maximum security lockdown initiated.
"Now, let's see them deal with this." He pushed another button.
Facility self-destruct sequence initiated. 5 minutes to completion.
Fortunately, since the control module for the self-destruct sequence was located on the Emperor's chestplate, destroying the Emperor would terminate the sequence. But the clock was ticking...
Will Obi-Wan Kenobi be able to convert the Dark Jedi to the light side in time to save the day? How will he accpmplish such a Herculean feat? And will he be made a Jedi Knight, or will Qui-Gon find yet another loophole in the Code? Stay tuned for the next chapter of "Jedi, Incorporated", coming up next, only on the TFN FanFiction Forums!
more to come ........... :-)
Power to the People
Obi-Wan Kenobi approached the Dark Jedi.
"I am Sith Lord Darth Chronat", the Dark Jedi said. "I consider Jedi to be stupid and primitive. Like that lightsaber of yours. Exactly the same technology for thousands of years. There is no way you will ever become powerful without embracing the new technology."
"Is power all that is important to you?", Obi-Wan replied. "Jedi do not need technology. They get their power from the Force. Just look at that generator. Currently, the only thing powering it is the power of the light side of the Force."
"But I don't just want electrical power", said Darth Chronat. "I want political power. And recognition. We Sith are cunning aand opportunistic. That is what is necessary to get ahead."
"But what good have the Sith done for society?" replied Obi-Wan. "Jedi only kill people when we need to, to save other people, preferably those with speaking parts. You Sith just kill everyone, the innocent along with the guilty."
Self-destruct sequence in progress. 3 minutes.
Obi-Wan realized he had to think of something else, fast. "Okay, Darth Chronat, what do you really want in life?"
"I want recognition, fame, and glory. I want everyone in the galaxy to know me when they see my face. My likeness shall be everywhere one looks. As well as cold hard cash, of course."
"That's excellent", Obi-Wan replied. "If you help me, I'll give you a spot on our new ad campaign. And I'll also pay you over 500,000 credits per year to be our spokesperson."
Darth Chronat began accesing the controls to redirect the power. "I do get health insurance, don't I?"
"Oh yes", replied Obi-Wan, "you get plenty of health insurance. We have highly trained Jedi healers. You'll never need to go to a hospital again."
Self-destruct sequence in progress. 1 minute remaining.
Darth Chronat continued. "I also want a fully funded retirement pension, at least 20 vacation days per year, and - "
"Okay, yes, you'll get all of that. Let's kill Emperor Electricon now."
Self-destruct sequence in progress. 30 seconds remaining.
"As of this moment, I have officially turned to the light side of the Force," stated Darth Chronat, as he pulled the last switch to overload Emperor Electricon's power transponders and defeat him once and for all.
Warning. Self-destruct control module malfunction. Sequence terminated.
Back in the control room, dozens of lightning bolts from the transponders crackled as they rushed through the Emperor's body. tThe Emperor gave his last scream of pain - AAAIIIIIIEEEEEEE - and was suddenly silenced.
Obi-Wan Kenobi, Qui-Gon Jinn, Darth Chronat, and dozens of other Jedi reconvened in the main control room to observe the Emperor's dead body and make plans for the future. But Darth Chrnoat had one thing to consider. "So what about that ad campaign"?
Obi-Wan Kenobi had it all planned out. "See these transponders?"
"Yes. Ancient Sith technology", Chronat replied.
Kenobi continued. "We can scale up this technology to transmit the power we generate off this planet, through a network of satellites to places, especially space stations, that need it. Once we optimize the generator room for increased Force amplification, we can have teams of Jedi working in shifts to meditate on the generator shaft and use it to generate power. Then we can tranmit that power not only to people on Coruscant but to space stations all over the galaxy. Just charge some money for it - and our financial troubles wil be gone!
"But why would anyone want this?"
"You'll have to see the ad to find out."
Chapter 12 Continued: The Final Ad
VISUAL: Inside of a space station. Darth Chronat flips a switch on the control console. A message comes up on the viewscreen: CHARGING SUPER WEAPON.
AUDIO: Alarm sounds.
VISUAL: Darth Chronat rushes to the escape pod.
VISUAL: Cut to outside of station. Escape pod rushes away, and space station blows up.
DARTH CHRONAT: My life's work ... destroyed!
OBI-WAN KENOBI: As you can see from our advanced computer simulation based on actual incidents, faulty or unsafe power sources can destroy even the most well-designed battle station. In fact, over 75 percent of all space-station accidents can be traced to unsafe or unprotected main reactor cores. When you've spent billions protecting your space station from every large-scale attack imaginable, a catastrophic reactor-core explosion should be the last thing on your mind. That's where we come in. At the Jedi Electric Power Corporation, we've developed a system that generates power from the ultimate safe and renewable energy source: the Force itself. And we can beam that power into space stations all across the galaxy. Whether you're a good, noble Jedi Knight, like me, an evil Sith Lord bent on conquering the galaxy, like Darth Chronat here, or simply an ordinary upstart technology company looking to grow ultrapure silicon crystals in a microgravity environment, you want the safest, most reliable power source money can buy.
DARTH CHRONAT: Ha, ha, ha, now with THIS, I will finally conquer the galaxy!
OBI-WAN KENOBI: The Jedi Electric Power Corporation. We don't have trouble with our main reactors!
Another Funny Ad
SCENE: Watto's shop from TPM. Obi-Wan and Wui-gon are talking to Watto.
QUI-GON JINN: Do you have a T-14 hyperdrive generator?
WATTO: Yessa, we do. Do yousa have the money?
QUI-GON JINN hands WATTO his American Express card.
WATTO: Thissa ain't gonna do. Meesa no take this credit card. No money, no parts, no deal.
QUI-GON JINN waves his hand in WATTO's face to do a Jedi mind trick on him.
QUI-GON JINN: American Express will do fine.
WATTO: No. Meesa take Visa, but meesa no take American Express.
QUi-GON JINN: Okay. Now we'll have to gamble on the Podrace, put our money on the underdog, and hope he wains, and if not, wer're screwed. And that's all becaus we have the wrong credit card.
VOICEOVER: Watto's Shop. It's one of the billions of places in the galaxy that take Visa, but they don't take American Express.
Visa. It's everywhere you want to be.