Title: Hail Storms and Speeders
Author: Obi the Kid (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Summary: Pre-TPM. Humor. Non-Slash. Mace gets a new speeder, Obi has fun with it.
Archive: Sure, just ask!!
DISCLAIMER: The characters and venue of Star Wars are copyrighted to Lucas Films Limited. The characters not recognizable from this venue are copyrighted to Tracy C. Knight. The story is the intellectual property of Tracy C. Knight and is copyrighted to her. She makes no profit from the writing or distribution of this story.
Notes: Special thanks to Brenda for the plot bunny!!!
Hail Storms and Speeders
(Mace Windu came bouncing down the corridor. He spotted Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi.)
Mace: Jinn! Kenobi! Good to see you both. Have you got a few minutes to spare? There's something I want you to see.
Qui: Sure, where are we going?
Mace: Docking Bay One. Come on.
(They stepped in the Council's private docking area. All three Jedi stopped and stared.)
Mace: Well? What do you think? (Big, stupid grin on his face)
Qui: It's, uh…very interesting Mace. Very…attention grabbing. Is it yours?
Mace: Yes is it, my old friend. Just bought her.
Qui: hmmm…then I would say to that you choose well.
(Obi-Wan stepped closer to his master.)
Obi: Master, it's…
(Qui-Gon nudged his padawan in the ribs.)
Mace: Come on over, take a look at her.
(Approaching the object in question, Obi-Wan used all of his strength to keep from laughing hysterically. There, parked before them, was a brand new Mach 50, Series 1 Speeder. Bright purple in color and accented with glossy gold racing stripes down either side.)
Mace: Is she the most beautiful thing you have ever seen Obi-Wan?
Obi: Actually, it's kind of…(small force push from Jinn, made him shut up, almost)…kind of exotic looking.
Mace: Ah, you notice the color. Passion Purple. Matches my Light saber!!
(Obi-Wan rolled his eyes. In his opinion, Windu had lost it.)
Mace: Care to take it for a spin?
Qui: Uh, actually we can't right now Mace. Obi-Wan has an appointment with the healers for a…uh...a physical exam. His yearly physical. Maybe tomorrow.
Mace: Okay, tomorrow then.
(The Jedi left the docking bay and broke out laughing, having to hold their stomachs because of the pain.)
Qui: Obi-Wan, this is not appropriate Jedi behavior.
Obi: I know master…but…but…that thing is hideous. It's the ugliest thing…I have ever seen. Gold racing stripes?
Qui: Passion Purple?
Obi: It matches his lightsabre? Has Master Windu been eating blue bananas?
Qui: Maybe he should be tested. I certainly hope he did not pay a lot for that…that…thing!
Obi: Master, do we really have to take a ride in it tomorrow? I CANNOT be seen in that.
Qui: We must humor him, Padawan. Just a short ride though.
(Next day, Qui and Obi met Mace outside the docking bay. The Jedi Master was not happy, in fact, he looked quite angry.)
Qui: Is there a problem, Mace?
Mace: Those damn docking bay attendants left the bay's retractable roof open last night. Did you see that storm?
Qui: Yes, it was quite viscous. The hail stones alone were deadly. Did your speeder get water logged?
Mace: Oh no, much worse. Let me show you.
(They approached the speeder. Obi-Wan bit his lip.)
Mace: LOOK!!! Just look at her. My poor, poor Betsy. She is completely dented up.
(Obi-Wan was biting down on his lip so hard that he was beginning to draw blood. Now he had heard everything. Mace had NAMED his speeder!)
Qui: Betsy, huh? She looks a bit…ragged.
Mace: Ragged is not the word, Qui-Gon. Look at the size of these dents.
Obi: Master, can we…
(Another jab in the ribs.)
Qui: How about that ride now, Mace? I am sure it didn't damage the engine.
(Qui-Gon was doing his best to humor his friend.)
Mace: Well, sure, why not. I did promise that to you guys. Hop in gentlemen."
(Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan sat in the back, while Mace shot around the city at varying speeds, showing off more than a little. Obi-Wan whispered to his master.)
Obi: This is embarrassing, Master, look at this thing! Its big, purple, gold stripes and looks like some kind of crater faced junkyard reject.
Qui: Padawan, patience. Just grin and bear it for a short time. You will live.
Obi: It looks like my face did when I went through puberty.
Obi: Rename the thing Holy Joe or something. What in the name of the force is a Betsy?
Obi: I've seen asteroids with less bumps.
Qui: Would you stop that!
Obi: What ever possessed him to buy this? How about we call it the purple potholed piece of…
(Mace looks back at the pair.)
Mace: You 2 okay back there? Isn't this the smoothest ride?
Qui: Great ride,, Mace. You've got something special here… (Qui-Gon turned his apprentice again, speaking quietly.)…Keep it down, Padawan. Mace is a friend of mine. He needs support right now, not your smart mouth. His baby is hurting.
Obi: Uneven Steven? Perforated Purple? I think it has cavities…
Qui: Just enjoy the trip.
Obi: Bumpy Betsy? Meteor Montha? Asteroid Andy? Pizza face Panaka? Lumpy Leia?
Obi: It's a purple speeder, Master. With gold stripes. This is a funny thing, friend or not. He was drunk when he bought this.
Qui: Come now, Padawan, it is very unique and distinctive…in it's own way. Some would go so far as to say it was attractive.
Obi: Yeah, I've seen more attractive things come out of a Bantha's…
(Qui-Gon slapped his hand over the crude mouth of his student, but Obi-Wan kept talking.)
Qui: If I take my hand away, do you promise to shut up? (Obi-Wan nodded.)
Mace: How about a ride past the initiates training facility?
Obi: No sir…Master Windu. I have an appointment with…uh…with the healers.
Mace: Another? You were just there yesterday.
Obi: I…uh…am giving blood.
Mace: I wasn't aware of a blood drive…hmmmm…maybe I should give as well. That's okay, how about you Qui-Gon? We can drop Kenobi off and head out for a while.
Qui: Uh, actually, Mace, I should be with him. He tends to get a bit woozy after giving blood, you know the whole needle thing.
(Obi-Wan whispered to his master again.)
Obi: He bought this thing at Speeders R Us, didn't he? The Purple Pimple.
Qui: How about Crater Face Kenobi?
Obi: That's mean, Master. You know Bruck used to call me that all the time. It's not my fault I had an acne problem when I was younger.
Qui: Oh? So your insults are okay?
Obi: Master, it's a speeder. It has no feelings. And it's purple.
Qui: Ah, yes but not just any purple…Passion Purple.
Obi: And its name is Betsy.
Qui: You've never named an object before?
Obi: No. I don't have any objects to name…except you…and a rock…and you already have a name.
Qui: Perhaps you should name your rock then.
Obi: Sure and then get the force kicked out of me by every bully in the temple.
Qui: Obi-Wan, you are 13. Bullies should no longer be a problem.
Obi: Not now…no. But if they see me in a passion purple speeder named Betsy, clinging to a rock named Fred…my life is over.
Qui: Fred? That's original. You can't think of a better name than that?
Mace: Almost home!!!
Obi: I could call it Quiggy…or Jinny!!
Qui: Let's not go there.
Obi: Qui Qui?
Obi: Jinn Jinn?
Qui: What do you think?
Qui: Shut up, Obi-Wan.
(Finally arriving at the docking bay, Obi-Wan hid behind his master as they made their way into the connecting corridor.)
Qui: Thank you, Mace. She is a fine machine.
Mace: You are welcome. You and your padawan are welcome to use it anytime you wish.
Obi: Master, we shouldn't be late.
Qui: I will take you up on that offer my friend.
(Once they were out of earshot, Obi-Wan looked at his master.)
Obi: That was close. Reeft almost saw me get out of that thing. How about lunch, Master?
Qui: Wipe that stupid smile off your face padawan. You are going to the healers to give blood.
Obi: But, we were just kidding master. You know… you and me, joking around…having fun?
Qui: Lying would be the proper term here. You know…Fibbing…stretching the truth…Perjury?
Obi: But you were lying too. I don't see how what I did is any different than what you did.
Qui: I would advise you to refrain from digging yourself into a deeper hole, Padawan.
Qui: You will be washing and waxing Master Windu's Purple Plum speeder if you keep running your lips.
Obi: Passion Purple.
Qui: You know what I mean. Come now my Obi-Wan, let us see how long it takes Healer Apprentice Muri to find a vein in your arm this time. Only took her 7 tries and 4 needles last time.
Obi: You are an evil, evil man sometimes. Do you know that?
Qui: Yes, I do.
Obi: Can I bring Fred with me?
Qui: No, you may not bring Fred with you. But you can bring me.
Obi: That's not the same thing.
Qui: No, but it'll do. And besides, you'll have to rest up for our trip tomorrow.
Qui: Yes. The Purple Plum Passion mobile will await us.
Obi: Passion Purple. You are kidding right?
Qui: I have decided that you should retake your pilots exam and that Mace's speeder will suit you fine for the test.
Obi: NO!! Master…please. Don't do that to me. Anything but that. Extra meditation, laundry duty. I will even do the cooking for the next month. Please!
Qui: I like that third option. You do have talent in the kitchen. How desperate are you?
Obi: Master, that thing is purple.
Qui: Purple Plum.
Obi: Passion Purple.
Qui: Okay, it's a deal. But you are still giving blood.
Obi: Can I trade you in instead?
Qui: Sure, for Master Yoda.
Obi: Never mind.
Qui: Obi-Wan You know what I just realized?
Obi: No, what?
Qui: I realized how boring my life would be without you in it. How empty it would be…how empty it was before I met you.
Qui: Really. Now, come on, lets do this so I can start planning my menu for this evenings dinner. You've got a lot of cooking ahead of you. But look on the bright side. Things could be a lot worse. At least you won't have to be seen in the Passion Purple speeder.
Obi: Good point, Master. That would make my life a lot worse. So, here we go. Apprentice Muri, look out, here I come. Get the needles ready. And Fred is comin' with me.