TITLE: The Lima Fix
AUTHOR: Obi the Kid (email@example.com)
SUMMARY: Humor. Pre-TPM. Obi-Wan is 13. Non-Slash. Obi-Wan visits the Senate, the healers, the
holo-theater and meets his hero.
ARCHIVE: Please ask me first.
FEEDBACK: Always appreciated.
MY WEBSITE: http://www.angelfire.com/movies/obithekid/
DISCLAIMER: The characters and venue of Star Wars are copyrighted to Lucas Films Limited. The characters
not recognizable from this venue are copyrighted to Tracy C. Knight. The story is the intellectual
property of Tracy C. Knight and is copyrighted to her. She makes no profit from the writing or
distribution of this story.
The Lima Fix
Obi: Master, where are we going today? I thought we had a new mission coming up soon.
Qui: I know you are eager to get away from the temple, but there is much to learn while you are here. Not
all learning comes from missions. Today, we are going to the senate. I want you to meet Senator Palpatine.
He’s agreed to meet with us and allow you to ask him anything you want. It’ll be good exposure for you to
see how the political side of Coruscant works.
Obi: But what if Mr. Ovaltine gets irritated with me? I do tend to exasperate people sometimes.
Qui: Palpatine. Not Ovaltine. Don’t let this turn into another Valorum-Valium situation. If you get out of
hand, I’ll smack you on the back of your head like I usually do.
Obi: Aww, Master. You’d do that for me?
Qui: Get cleaned up. You have to be clean to meet with a senator.
Obi: Why? Shouldn’t he get to know the real me?
Qui: Go. Now. Please.
(The pair made their way to the senate offices. They were directed to the suite at the end of the hall.
The secretary escorted them inside and told them to make themselves comfortable until the senator
returned. Obi-Wan was almost dizzy with the size of the office.)
Obi: Sorry. Master, HOW does one get an office this big? This is bigger than our apartment. This is bigger
than three of our apartments. You need to kiss some council butt, Master. I want a place like this! Look
at the size of that holo theatre! And a view of ALL of Coruscant. Not just a back alley. This is NICE!
Qui: Jedi do not crave materialistic items, Padawan. Nor do they crave views of the entire city. Wow, that
is a view, isn’t it?
Obi: So put the word ‘senator’ in front of your name and this is what you get. This Jedi stuff might not
be all it’s cracked up to be. I might try my hand at politics.
Qui: You certainly have the mouth for it.
Obi: You are to kind.
(The door opened and Senator Palpatine walked in.)
Palpatine: Good morning, gentlemen.
(Obi-Wan turned around and immediately bit his lip.)
Obi: //Master. What the hell is that?//
Qui: //That is the senator.//
Obi: //Are you sure? Looks more like Don King.//
Qui: //Respect, Obi-Wan. You will have respect for the senator.//
Obi: //You should offer to take him to your salon. Or at the least let him borrow your curlers. That hair
is killing me. Can’t he tame it or something?//
Qui: //Quiet!// Thank you, Senator for allowing me to bring my apprentice in to see how things work here.
Obi-Wan, please meet Senator Palpatine. Senator, this is my apprentice, Obi-Wan Kenobi. //Shake his hand.
Obi: Pleased to meet you, Mr. Oval…Palpatine.
Palpatine: Good to meet you, young Kenobi. Please have a seat on the couch over here. Do you have any
questions for me? Any curiosities about the senate or politics?
Obi: //Yes, are you all this frightening or is it just you?//
(A gentle force WHACK from Qui-Gon forced Obi-Wan out of his thoughts.)
Obi: How long have you been a senator?
Palpatine: For over twenty years now. I was elected when I was thirty years old.
Obi: //Master there is NO way that man is only fifty years old. NO WAY.// Wow, that’s a long time to be in
one job. The people of Coruscant must like you.
Palpatine: I believe they do, young Kenobi.
Obi: Do you ever invite other senators over to your suite to watch Lima holo’s?
Obi: //Well…I’m curious.//
Qui: Excuse my apprentice. He has a slight fascination with the actor, Lima Wean.
Palpatine: That’s all right. I happen to be a big fan of his latest holo, Moulin Troll.
Qui: //Do NOT get all happy. NO!//
Obi: Yes, that’s an excellent movie. I sing Lima’s songs in the shower all the time.
Palpatine: I’ve done so myself on occasion.
Obi: //Oh, bad image. Very bad image. Ovaltine in the shower singing Lima songs. Very bad.//
Qui: Obi-Wan, didn’t you have questions for the senator in regards to what he actually does in his job?
What daily life as a senator is like?
Obi: //Out damn image. Out!//
Obi: Huh? Oh, yes, Master. Senator, um…is there something that you dislike about your job? //Other than
the fact that it ages you like THAT!//
Palpatine: I find my job very rewarding. I don’t believe that I would change much of anything.
Obi: //You would if you’d look at yourself in the mirror from time to time.//
Qui: //Padawan. ENOUGH.//
(Eventually Obi-Wan became bored with the senator and it began to show outwardly. Qui-Gon knew it was time
to leave, before the boy’s inner thoughts became vocalized.)
Qui: Thank you for your time, Senator. We appreciate you taking this brief period out of your day to speak
with us. But we know you are busy and we have things to do as well. We should be leaving.
Palpatine: It was good to see you both. And a pleasure to meet your apprentice. I shall follow your career
with great interest, young Kenobi.
Obi: //Why does that thought scare the crap outta me?// Thank you, Senator…Palpatine.
(As they left, Obi-Wan knew that the man was staring at them. He felt the hair on the back of his neck
stand up and he walked as fast as he could to the door.)
Qui: Obi-Wan, you’re lucky that none of your thoughts were anything more than that. You cannot talk about
a senator that way. It’s very unprofessional and not appropriate behavior for a Jedi…or for anyone. Do you
understand? I don’t ever want to hear anything like that from you again.
Obi: Yes, Master. I’m sorry. But that is one scary man. Is he married?
Qui: No, I don’t believe so.
Obi: I should warn the women of Coruscant then.
Qui: Enough, okay?
Obi: Speaking of women…here comes Master Bren.
Bren: Hi guys. What’s up?
Obi: Ovaltine’s hair for one.
Qui: Obi-Wan and I just spent half an hour with Senator Palpatine. An educational experience for my
apprentice. Or it was supposed to be.
Obi: More like a freak show.
Bren: Qui, how could you do that to the poor kid? You should know better than to let such young and
innocent eyes look on something like…that. Palpy is a scary human being. If he is indeed human.
Obi: Yeah, Master. Your young and innocent padawan.
Qui: Don’t make me lose my breakfast. You are many things. Innocent is not one of them.
Bren: Anyway…the reason I was looking for you guys. Look what I found. Just published. Another of those
books about the Jedi. You remember the series modeled after you two, right? Then they launched into a holo
called The Phantom Menace. Well, there is a sequel to that called Attack of the Clones. Here is it.
Obi: But…but…Master Qui-Gon dies in that first book.
Bren: Don’t EVER say that, kid. Qui-Gon is NOT dead. NO NO NO NO NO!
Qui: I’m right here. Hello?
Bren: Shut up, Qui. I’m trying to get my point across. Qui-Gon is just on a very long vacation.
Obi: So, he comes back to from this…vacation in this new book?
Bren: Um…no. You are the star of this book, kid. And remember that little pathetic life form that your
master picked up in the first one? The blonde kid?
Obi: Oh, yes…The CHOSEN One. Oooooooo.
Bren: Sarcasm is such an ugly thing, Obi-Wan.
Obi: Okay…so what about him?
Bren: He’s about twenty now and he’s your apprentice.
Obi: Sith Boy is MY apprentice? Oh no. Master, get your butt off vacation. Who gave me permission to be a
master? I have a hard enough time being an apprentice. Take him back.
Qui: This is NOT REAL!! It’s just fiction. I can’t afford to die while you are still an apprentice. No one
else can tolerate you for longer than a day. You’ll never be a knight if I die before my time.
Bren: Well, you should read this book. I haven’t gotten through it all yet. But the holo will be out next
week, so you might want to prepare yourself.
Obi: I can’t handle all this stress. It’s too much. First Senator Ovaltine and now Sith Boy. I don’t know
how much of this I am ready for. Can I borrow that book, Master Bren?
Bren: Sure, kid. Your master owes me a lunch date anyway. He can make some lunch for us while you read.
Qui: How did I get involved in this?
Bren: You owe me a date.
Qui: I do?
Bren: Yes, remember last time we had a dinner date and you had to drag the kid along because you didn’t
have anyone to keep an eye on him? That was not the romantic date I was hoping for. So, you owe me.
Qui: Well lunch in my quarters with my apprentice babbling to himself on the couch is not going to be very
Bren: I know, but it keeps me from having to cook or eat that nasty cafeteria food. And we can do the
romantic thing later.
Obi: Not while I am in the apartment. Obi’s rule: No adult mush while Obi is present.
Bren: You’re so cute when you’re freaked out. Come on boys, let’s get out of the hall.
Obi: Can we go out for lunch instead? I’m not a big fan of my masters cooking. I want to see Dex.
Obi: That’s it? Just no?
Qui: Yes. Problem?
Obi: No. I love you, Master.
Qui: Don’t start.
Obi: Start what? Is it wrong of me to tell my master that I care about him?
Qui: No, but with you a comment like that leads to other things. And no, I am not hugging you.
Obi: You think you have me all figured out, don’t you?
Qui: Yes. I know all your little mush ploys.
Obi: Okay, I don’t love you. Let’s eat.
Qui: Maybe it’s not to late to bring Xanatos back from the dead.
Obi: He had a mush hang up to, didn’t he?
Qui: Yes, that’s why he turned to the dark side.
Obi: Nice try, Master. But I know for a fact that mush does not lead to the dark side. Just ask Master
Bren: Don’t ask Brazo. Nev is treating him for post-padawan nervousness.
Obi: He never had a padawan.
Bren: True, but he did spend two weeks with you.
Obi: Don’t blame me for Master Brazo’s inability to remain sane. You spent two weeks with me too, and you
are no worse for the wear.
Bren: But I am a woman. And women are stronger.
Obi: Really? Wow. Master can I…
Qui: NO. You can not become a woman.
Obi: That’s not what I was going to ask. I was going to ask if I could go visit Master Brazo today.
Qui: No, you’ve caused enough damage. And Bren, please don’t contaminate his brain with all the women’s
(They continued as they wandered into Qui-Gon’s apartment.)
Bren: Would you care to take that statement back? Or do I have to best your butt in sparring yet again? If
you want him to be a well-rounded member of society, then you need him to learn to see things from other
points of view. He needs to have his eyes open to everything.
Obi: Even mush.
Qui: NO MUSH! Obi-Wan, read your book. Quietly. I will prepare us lunch.
Obi: Women are better at mush too aren’t they, Master Bren?
Qui: Obi-Wan, don’t make me open a new roll of duct tape.
Bren: Go read your book, Obi. And yes, we are better at it.
(By the time Qui-Gon had lunch ready, Obi-Wan had cruised through a third of the book. He dropped it on
the table before sitting down to eat.)
Obi: Master, I don’t understand. The chosen one is my apprentice and he should care about me, right?
Qui: Obi-Wan, if this is another mush request…
Obi: No, listen. Anakin says he loves me like a father. If that’s so, then why does he treat me like he
can’t stand to be in the same room with me?
Qui: Perhaps he shows love differently than others.
Obi: Perhaps he’s an idiot.
Bren: That’s possible.
Obi: I don’t want to be a father. Or a master. I just want to be me. I gotta be me.
Qui: Eat your lunch.
Obi: That’s his polite way of saying, shut up, Obi-Wan.
Qui: Shut up, Obi-Wan.
Obi: Told you.
Bren: Obi-Wan, eat your lunch and then I’ll get you a Qui pie.
Obi: Sugar! Yes!
Qui: Bren, don’t do this to me.
Bren: What’s the matter, Qui? Can’t handle a sugar-high apprentice? Need the help of a…woman?
Qui: You two just love to gang up on me sometimes, don’t you?
Bren: Someone’s gotta be on the kid’s side. Anything else in the book you want to talk about, Obi-Wan?
Obi: Not really. I think I’ll wait until the holo comes out. I can’t read anymore about Anakin and Ms.
Cinny Bon making goo-goo eyes at each other. It’s making me sick.
Bren: To close to being adult mush, huh?
Obi: You know it! Master this is good. You actually cooked something edible. Impressive.
Qui: Glad you approve. Because if you didn’t…tough.
Bren: Do you realize how boring my life would be without you two in it? What would I do for entertainment?
Qui: Is that all we’re good for?
Bren: Well that and….
Obi: Do NOT say adult mush. Stop it. I am trying to eat. I don’t need carrots flying out of my nose.
Bren: See how cute he is?
Qui: No, I don’t.
(That evening, Obi-Wan was excited about nothing in particular. He was in the bathroom, after a shower,
and was decked out in only his boxers. Singing to the mirror.)
Obi: I’m to sexy for my Obi…to sexy for my Obi…
(He failed to hear the door chime that kept sounding. Qui-Gon had gone to dinner with Bren, trusting his
apprentice to look after himself for a couple hours. So the door chime continued until finally the
persistent visitors let themselves in. Nev Daloon, Obi-Wan’s shrink walked in, flanked by Chief Healer,
Nev: Hello? Qui-Gon? Obi-Wan?
Terran: What’s that horrid sound?
Nev: It’s coming from the bathroom.
(They wandered down the hall, coming closer to the voice. Turning the corner they found the bathroom door
open and Obi-Wan dancing in front of the mirror…still singing. And still all decked out in his boxers. All
three of them turned and caught each others eyes at the same time.)
Obi: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! GET OUT! GET OUT!
Terran: Yes…um is a good way to describe what we just saw.
Nev: That was…interesting, Obi-Wan. Does your master know you do this?
Obi: Can’t you see I am half naked here? GET OUT!
Terran: Nev, do you have your sunglasses handy?
(Obi-Wan grabbed a towel and tried to wrap it around himself.)
Obi: Don’t you people ever knock? Can’t a man shower in peace?
Nev: We did knock. And when did you become a man?
Obi: That does not concern you.
Terran: What were you singing?
Obi: Nothing for you to worry about.
Nev: Doesn’t Qui-Gon ever take you out in the sun?
Obi: So, I’m a little pale. Is that a problem?
Nev: You could pass for a storm trooper.
Obi: Wait…why are you here? Are you coming to take me away? Lock me up?
Nev: No, actually Qui-Gon was due in for his physical today. He skipped out on us.
Obi: Oh, he took me to visit the senate. He wanted to make sure my nightmares were very intense tonight.
Nev: Ah, you met Palpatine then?
Obi: Gave me the creeps. The senate is not a place for those who dislike horror vids.
Terran: Nice underwear, Obi-Wan. What are those things on your shorts? Troll heads? Oh, that’s nasty.
Obi: Don’t you think I wanted to burn them too? But they were a gift from my master. I feel obligated to
Terran: Yes, don’t cause him anymore stress than you already do by rejecting his gifts. So, where is your
Obi: I think adult mush was calling him. He went to dinner with Master Bren.
Terran: Well, when he gets back, please tell him to call me. I will reschedule him for tomorrow.
(As if on cue, the front door of the apartment opened and Qui-Gon and Bren walked in.)
Qui: Obi-Wan? I’m home.
(Terran, Nev and half naked Obi-Wan found their way into the common area.)
Qui: They caught you doing your sexy Obi dance, didn’t they?
Obi: Yes. But I looked GOOD, Master. You’d have been proud of me. Not as good as your sexy Qui dance…but
I’m closing in.
Nev: Your WHAT????
Qui: Obi-Wan, shhh. I told you not to talk about that, didn’t I?
Qui: And did you blind them with your paleness?
Obi: They brought sunglasses.
Qui: I should have thought of that.
Bren: To what do we owe this visit, boys?
Terran: Qui-Gon you were due for a physical today.
Obi: He has such a way with words.
Qui: Let’s reschedule for next year. Okay? Good.
Terran: Let’s reschedule for tomorrow. Tomorrow morning at the eight hour.
Obi: Now, Master. What kind of example are you setting for your apprentice if you won’t obey the healers.
I’ll be there for moral support.
Terran: No, you’ll be there for a physical too. It’s good to start padawans off early. Helps them stay in
Bren: Aww, a shorter and paler version of his master. He has the same way with words.
Nev: Oh, Qui-Gon that reminds me. Get the boy out in the sun once in a while. Please. But don’t do it
during rush hour. The glare could cause an accident.
(Qui-Gon and his padawan slowly made their way to the temple hospital for their physicals the next
morning. Neither was happy about it, but they didn’t have much choice in the matter.)
Obi: Master, you know how cold Healer Terran’s hands are. Can’t someone else do the exam?
Qui: Welcome to the world of the healers, Padawan. Once we enter that door, we enter their realm. There is
no help for us.
Obi: Only revenge?
Qui: No, no more revenge. Those days are behind me. Let’s go inside.
(Terran greeted the pair as they walked in. He was much to happy.)
Terran: Welcome to my home.
Obi: You live here?
Terran: No, but it helps to put the patient at ease. Both of you follow me. First thing we’ll do it weigh
(Qui-Gon’s weight was taken…then Obi-Wan stepped on to the scale.)
Terran: Qui-Gon, don’t you feed this boy?
Qui: I put food in front of him. I don’t physically shove it down his throat.
Obi: It’s not edible food normally.
Terran: Obi-Wan you have to eat. Edible or not. You are a skinny as a rail. Get some fat on them bones.
Okay, next let’s take blood pressure. Obi-Wan, you first.
(Once Obi-Wan was finished, Qui-Gon sat down while Terran prepared the blood pressure scanner.)
Obi: This is kinda fun, Master. You and me, hanging out together with Mr. Cold Hands. The only thing that
would made this morning better for me, would be a hug from you. A morning hug. Wow. That would be so
great. I would be one happy padawan then.
Qui: No mush talk. Not here. Later.
Obi: How about a gentle tap on the shoulder?
Obi: Hair ruffle?
Obi: Pat on the back?
Obi: Firm hand shake?
Terran: Okay, stop. Both of you. Qui-Gon, your blood pressure just went off the charts. Obi-Wan, sit and
keep quiet. Qui-Gon, relax. Think relaxing thoughts. I’ll give you a few minutes and then try this again.
Qui: Relaxing thoughts…a normal apprentice. No, better yet…no apprentice. I can sit on the beach without
being blinded by the one sitting next to me. Quiet dinners with Bren. Restful nights where I’m not
interrupted by clown-under-the-bed stories. Aaaaah…this is nice.
Terran: Um…now you have no blood pressure. Okay, too relaxed. We’ll try this later. Obi-Wan, come here.
Sit on the bed. Let me listen to your chest as you breath. I hate to say this because I forgot my
sunglasses…but you’ll need to take your shirt off.
Obi: That joke is getting really old.
Terran: Yeah, but it’s still funny. Let me press this scanner to your chest…and when I do, take a deep
Obi: Can’t you warm that thing up a bit? It’s colder than your hands.
Terran: Breathe in and don’t talk. Hold it.
Qui: Can you keep him like that for a few days? Give me a rest?
Terran: Now, let the breath out.
Terran: Let’s do without the show okay? One more time…breathe in. Hold it. And out. Good.
Obi: That’s like one of those torture techniques that Master Bren uses.
Qui: Yes, holding your breath for ten seconds is a very common form of torture.
Obi: I am unable to talk while I hold my breath.
Terran: He’s got a point there, Qui-Gon.
Qui: What’s next?
(An hour after they arrived, the exams were completed.)
Terran: Well, other than your very odd blood pressure readings, Qui-Gon, and Obi-Wan’s all-skin-and-bones
pale body, you and he are in good shape. Learn to relax and get some food into his system. We’ll do this
again next year.
Obi: More quality time for Master Qui-Gon and I to spend together.
Qui: If that’s what you want to call it.
(The following week, Bren got wind of a special preview showing of Attack of the Clones. And she tried to
confirm a rumor about a certain favorite actor of Obi-Wan’s that might be there.)
Bren: Obi-Wan come in here and sit down. I have news for you.
Obi: I can’t sit. I’m off the wall today.
Bren: Don’t tell me, your master hugged you.
Obi: How’d you guess?
Bren: That big stupid grin on your face gave you away.
Obi: He woke up, made me breakfast and before he left to meet with the council, he gave me a quick hug.
Needless to say I almost fell over. He must have had a bad dream or something. I bet he had nightmares
about Ovaltine. I keep seeing that man in my dreams. Creepy. Anyway…I’m kinda bouncin’ right now. So, I
can’t down. What’s the news?
Bren: I found out there is a special preview of that new holo tonight.
Obi: That’s great, but the book didn’t excite me that much, so I can wait to see it. I’m in no hurry.
Bren: Well, hear this. There’s a rumor going around that Lima might be there.
Bren: And that after the show he’ll be signing autographs and talking to fans.
(Obi-Wan fell over, bounced off the wall of the corridor and landed on the floor.)
Bren: You okay?
Obi: Huh? Who? Wha? Lima is coming here? I mean there? I mean…I get to meet him here…there…somewhere.
Bren: It’s a rumor right now. But it comes from a very good source. Now, we just have to get Qui-Gon to
let you go, but without telling him about the Lima situation. He’ll never let you leave the apartment if
he knows the complete truth. Do you think you can keep a straight face when you ask him about going
Obi: You’re asking a lot. You want me to think about Lima and not smile? How cruel.
Bren: If you get to acting all stupid, Qui-Gon will know something is up. If you act like your normal
self, he’ll accept this. So, pretend that I told you nothing about Lima. Okay?
Obi: Okay. I can do this.
Bren: Good, because here he comes.
Bren: No, Obi-Wan. Your master.
Obi: Oh, sorry. Straight face. Got it. Good morning, Master. How are you today?
(Bren turned and whispered into the boy’s ear.)
Bren: Obi-Wan that is not normal for you.
Obi: Sorry. Hi, Master. What did the sith troll have to say?
Qui: I’m not telling you again to stop calling him that.
Obi: Yes, Master.
Qui: The council just doesn’t understand me. Hi, Bren.
Bren: Hi, Stretch.
Obi: Master, there is a special showing of the Clones holo tonight. Can we go?
Qui: I don’t know, Obi-Wan. I’m not having a very good day so far. I was planning on relaxing tonight.
Obi: But you can relax at the theater. I really want to see it, Master.
Qui: You can’t wait three days for it to start showing everywhere?
(Obi-Wan looked up at Bren, his eyes pleading with her for help.)
Bren: Come on, Qui. Take him. It’ll be a chance for you two to spend some time together outside the
Qui: Oh, okay. We’ll go.
Qui: None of that. And NO sugar. No Gummy Trolls. No Sith Duds. No Poof Corn.
Obi: But I can’t go to the holo theater and not have sugar.
Bren: Obi-Wan, you don’t really need sugar…do you?
Obi: Um…no. I don’t. Okay, Master. I don’t need any sugar. I’ll behave.
Qui: I don’t know what is going on between you two, but since it’s keeping him under control…I’ll won’t
question it. Although I’d like to know how you do it.
Bren: I have my ways.
(Evening fell and master and padawan prepared to head out.)
Qui: Obi-Wan you look very nice. And you even took a shower. What’s the occasion? It’s just a holo. Your
best tunic. Belt is on straight. Braid has been rebraided.
Obi: I just thought I would look good for a change. It looks bad if a padawan is not clean and proper as
his master is. You should tie your hair back, Master. So it doesn’t hang in your face. Would you like me
to fix it for you?
Qui: Hmm, no I can take care of it. You’re acting awfully odd this evening, Obi-Wan. Is something wrong?
Are you ill?
Obi: No, Master. Just happy to be spending some time with you.
Qui: Padawan, you live with me. We spend almost every waking hour together.
Obi: But that’s all Jedi stuff. This is us going out as friends. Pals. Amigos. Comrades.
Qui: I get the point. But it’s still odd. Oh well…you ready to go?
Obi: Lima…I mean…yes. Our speeder awaits.
Qui: Lima’s not in this holo, Obi-Wan.
Obi: Yes, Master. I know. But I think he’ll be there…in spirit.
Qui: I’m sure he will. Let’s go.
Obi: Master look at the size of that limo. Do you think they’re for big stars?
Qui: Probably just some politician who’s getting in for free, while the rest of us pay these sky-high
Obi: I’ll be worth it, Master. I know it.
Qui: It better be. Here, the ticket line is here.
(Thirty minutes later they had their tickets and were heading into the theater. Obi-Wan took his master’s
hand and dragged him to the very front row.)
Qui: Obi-Wan, I can’t watch a holo like this. I don’t enjoy looking straight up at the screen. Can we move
back just a bit?
Obi: But, Master…I need to see things as they happen, and besides if you turn around from here…you can see
the entire theater. I can see everyone here.
Qui: Are you here to people watch or to watch the holo?
Obi: Oh, um…just the holo. Okay, we’ll move back.
(As they moved to the center of the theatre, Obi-Wan’s eyes were moving all around. He was on the lookout
for any sign of Lima. Any hint that the actor was here.)
Qui: Padawan, sit down. What are you looking for?
Obi: Nothing, Master. Just being nosey.
Qui: As usual.
(The lights dimmed and the first preview came on the screen. Obi-Wan was antsy. Still looking everywhere
for Lima. He started to get out of his seat to explore when he felt a hand grab him from behind. And heard
a strong voice whisper to him.)
Qui: Where are you going? Sit down.
Obi: Sorry, Master. I thought I saw someone I knew over there.
Qui: You wanted to come see this. So sit down and watch.
(The boy was nervous. Then he saw the end seat, four rows in front of him, empty. But empty for only a
moment longer. A tall, lanky, dark-haired man filled the seat suddenly. Immediately, Obi-Wan knew who it
was. Lima. A plan was already forming in his head to move closer.)
Qui: Why are you so anxious right now? Calm down.
Obi: Um…uh…Master, I have to go.
Qui: We just got here, you wanted to see this. We are staying.
Obi: No, no. I have to go. Bathroom. I gotta pee like a racehorse
Qui: Can’t you hold it?
Obi: Could you?
Qui: Okay, but don’t disturb the entire theatre on the way out. And excuse yourself for walking past the
people in our row.
(Qui-Gon watched Obi-Wan walk out of the row…and then in the wrong direction. He moved towards the front
of the theatre.)
Qui: //Obi-Wan, the bathroom is the other way.//
Obi: //Master, look…it’s Lima. Just in front of me. I have to say hi to him.//
Qui: //NO! Get your tail back here. NOW! You told me you had to use the bathroom. No, you just wanted to
see Lima. How did you know he would be here…Bren. I knew there was something going on between you two.
Obi-Wan Kenobi come back here and sit down or we are leaving. And there will be no mush for you for an
(Obi-Wan stopped in his tracks. Just one row from Lima. Lima or mush. Lima or mush. His heart was racing.
His mind conflicting.)
Obi: //Master, that is cruel. You can’t do that to me. You know how much I need the stuff.//
Qui: //You lied to me and you deceived me. You and Bren. You knew Lima would be here tonight. Come here
and sit down. Right now. Is that understood?//
Obi: //Okay, fine. But if Lima needs me…//
(He wandered back into his row and sat next to his master. He pouted until he saw himself on screen. Or
until he saw the character of Obi-Wan Kenobi.)
Obi: Master, what’s wrong with his...my…um…his hair? Looks like a mullet.
Qui: A feesh?
Obi: No…never mind. Why is my apprentice taller than me? And why does he look so angry? I better go
comfort Lima. This is probably upsetting him.
Qui: Lima is an adult. I’m sure he’s fine.
Obi: Look at him, he’s nervous. I can tell. I’ll be right back.
(Qui-Gon placed a heavy arm around the boy’s shoulders to hold him in place.)
Qui: Shhh. Others would like to watch this holo in quiet. This is supposed to be a night out for us…to
spend quality time together as you put it. Of course that was a lie too. But I will make the best of it.
Quiet. Watch the screen. Look, Padawan, there’s Dex on screen. He’s playing himself.
Obi: That’s nice, Master. Master, please let me go see Lima. I’ll be quiet. I promise. There’s a seat next
to him that’s empty. It’s almost as if he’s waiting for me.
Qui: He doesn’t even know you.
Obi: Haven’t you ever heard of fate?
Qui: Yes, and it was not fate that brought you here. It was deception.
Obi: It was fate.
Qui: Leave Lima alone and watch the holo.
Obi: I can’t watch one more minute of this romance crap. Why would I let my apprentice go off on his own
with some chick who he makes goo-goo eyes for? Do I become that stupid later in life? Or is it just that I
don’t care anymore? This is all your fault, Master. You and your chosen one. Then you go and get yourself
killed so I have to train him. This was all a ploy to get rid of me, wasn’t it?
Qui: Will you be quiet. This is fiction, Obi-Wan. This is not how our lives will fill out. I am not going
to be killed by some sith. You will not have to adopt some whiny blonde haired kid. There will not be some
odd, orange, frog-like thing following us around for several weeks.
Obi: But Dex is real. That’s was his diner and his waitress. She always calls me ‘hon.’ I like her. She
cares about me. About my feelings. Unlike a certain master.
Qui: She brings you coffee and calls you hon. You are a customer. Nothing more.
Obi: Lima cares about me too. But do you? No. Does my apprentice? No. Oh he goes on and on about how he
loves me like a father. Then as soon as I am gone from earshot, he starts mouthing off about me to anyone
that will listen. Then he and Pastry Head go off and get all mushy with each other. That’s disgusting.
Hand me a vomit bag.
Qui: Look at your fighter, Obi-Wan. You have got to like that. Finally you get your own ship. You can do
anything you want with it.
Obi: Can I hunt down my apprentice and send him to blue ghostie land?
Qui: No, then he’ll be in my world. I don’t want him.
Obi: But you have no problem conning me into training him. Thanks, Master. I love you too. Whoa…look at
that Emperor guy. You can barely make out his face…but he looks so familiar. Put some freaky Don King hair
on his head and he’d look just like…MASTER! That’s Senator Ovaltine. He’s the Emperor. He’s a sith. Oh, no
wonder the hairs on my neck were sticking straight up when we left his office.
Qui: Senator Palpatine is not a sith. He’s just a very…odd looking individual. He’s a highly respected
member of the senate. The council considers him a friend.
Obi: Master, you know how gullible the council is. He’s playing with their minds. How he got past the
glare of Master Windu’s head, I’ll never know…but Palpy is not to be trusted.
Qui: Okay fine. He’s a sith. That’s nice. Can we finish watching his please?
(The holo continued towards it’s final climax. The battle of sabers between Yoda and Dooku.)
Obi: Where did Dorko get that cool curved saber hilt? I want one. I didn’t know he was your master. How
come you never talk about him? Did he drive you nuts like I do? Lima sure is lonely over there. Look at
him. Alllllllll alone. No Obi to keep him company.
Qui: And remaining sane.
Obi: Um…where did Master Yoda get all that energy from? He walks around like his gonna fall over any
second. Talking like he’s on his last breath. Then he does that? That’s a lot of hot air.
Obi: The sputtering troll. So Anakin lost his arm and there was no blood. No pain. And he’s getting up
like nothing happened. All in a days work, huh?
Qui: This is almost over, thank the Force. You are going directly home and to bed. You’ve yapped enough
these past two hours to drive an army insane.
Obi: And of course, like the idiot I become, I just let him go off and escort Bun Head home so they can
get married. Never mind that he just slaughtered an entire clan of raiders to satisfy his revenge. She
just goes right along with it. ‘I love you anyway, honey. Will you kill for me again?’ Give that kid a
chance, I bet he’d off me if he had the opportunity.
Qui: Well, when the duct tape fails to work, what’s the next obvious choice?
Obi: Credits are rolling. Time to see Lima. Bye, Master.
Qui: Obi-Wan, come back here. Obi-Wan!
(It was to late. Obi-Wan took off down the row and then turned left in the aisle. Lima had not gotten up
from his seat yet. He appeared to be waiting for the crowd to lesson before he moved to the lobby. Obi-Wan
took up quick residence in the seat beside him. His breathing was wild and he was sweating. Legs jumping,
the boy was unable to contain himself. He looked at Lima. Lima looked back and smiled. Obi-Wan slid right
out of the chair and onto the sticky floor. Lima reached for him and pulled him back into the seat. Then
he had to hold him there so he didn’t slide from the seat again.)
Lima: Are you all right?
Lima: Are you here with a parent or guardian? Do they know where you are?
Lima: Perhaps you should stay here with me until we can locate your parents.
Lima: Ah, you’re a Jedi apprentice.
Obi: Um…uh…huh? Wha? Who? Where?
Lima: Is your master here?
Obi: Somewhere…he’s um…Lima?
Lima: Just say put. I’m sure he’s looking for you. What’s your name?
Obi: Um…um…Lima…no…uh…Obi-Wan. Yes, that’s my name. You are Lima.
Lima: Yes I am. You know me.
Obi: I’ve seen all of your holos. Several hundred times. You are my hero.
Lima: Aw, that’s nice of you, Obi-Wan. But I’m just an actor. I’m sure you have your master to look up to.
Obi: Well, he is kinda tall.
Lima: That’s not what I meant. He’s important to you, yes?
Obi: Oh yeah. I love him. He’s great. Even though he doesn’t hug me much. He’s a great man though. One of
the greatest Jedi ever. But sometimes I think I get on his nerves. I tend to talk a lot. I can’t help it.
I just love to talk with people that I like. But when he left for vacation a couple months ago, I was left
with Master Bren and Master Brazo for two weeks. Now Master Brazo seems to have gone off the deep end.
Even Nev can’t help him. Master Qui-Gon, that’s my master, thinks I talked him to insanity while he was
looking out for me. But Master Bren was okay after those two weeks with me. But she says women are
stronger, that’s why she could handle it. Do you think that, Lima? Are women stronger than men? I mean not
physically, but emotionally and mentally? I think they are. Master Qui-Gon doesn’t think so, and because
of that she kicks his butt in sparring all the time. Then he gets mad because a woman beat him, and to
make up they get into all that adult mush crap. Ah, I don’t understand all that. I tell him, no adult mush
while I am present. But they start calling each other by these gross little nicknames. It’s just…well,
it’s like Sith Boy and Donut Head in this holo. Disgusting. Are you married, Lima?
Lima: How did you say all that without taking a breath?
Obi: I am talented. Do you have any kids?
Lima: I am married and I have two children.
Obi: So you have no time to train an apprentice?
Lima: Uh, no I don’t Not to mention I am not in a field of work that requires one to become an apprentice.
Are you not happy as a Jedi?
Obi: I am. But…you are Lima. I could talk to you all day long.
Lima: Well, I don’t have that kind of time.
Obi: I know.
Lima: You should spend time with your master.
Obi: Are you sure you don’t need an apprentice? I could curl your hair for you.
Lima: I am positive. I’ve tried the perm look once. Scared myself and my wife half to death. My kids
didn’t recognize me. I don’t think my hair needs curling.
Obi: My master won’t let me curl his hair anymore. He gets embarrassed because I told the council about
his pink curlers and his light saber boxer shorts. Oh, and his sexy Qui dance that he does in front of the
mirror right before a big date with Master Bren. Do you dance in front of the mirror, Lima?
Lima: Not that I recall.
Obi: Do you like mush?
Lima: What exactly is mush?
Lima: Ah, I see. Of course I like hugs.
(Obi-Wan’s face lit up.)
Obi: Can I…will you…can I have a hug?
Lima: Sure you can.
(The boy was about to launch himself at Lima when he heard…the voice.)
Qui: Obi-Wan Kenobi, freeze.
Qui: I heard that. What are you doing?
Obi: Talking to Lima.
Qui: And what else?
Obi: He said I could hug him, Master. I’m not forcing mush on anyone. Oh, Lima, this is my master, Qui-Gon
Jinn. He doesn’t approve of my mush obsession.
Lima: Nice to meet you, Master Jinn. Obi-Wan is quite the talkative type. But I’ve been enjoying his
Qui: Thank you, Mr. Wean. Yes he does enjoy talking. I’m sorry if he’s intruded on your time. He’s been a
fan of yours for a long time now, and when he saw you here he kind of went into overload.
Lima: Oh, it’s been no trouble. He’s a very interesting boy. A lot of energy. I wish I had that much
Qui: You’re not the only one. But we should go. Obi-Wan…
Obi: Just one hug, please, Master?
Qui: Quickly. I’m sure Lima has better things to do right now.
Lima: Actually, I don’t.
Obi: Two hugs?
Qui: Don’t push it. Hug him and let’s go.
Obi: You see, Lima. This is what I have to put up with. No one understands me and my need for mush. It’s
just a hug. I mean…I just…
(Obi-Wan threw himself at Lima and immediately slid onto the floor when Lima wrapped his arms around him.)
Lima: Would you like to try that again?
Obi: Wow, a real live Lima thud. My friends are gonna be so jealous. Okay, I’m ready for a vertical hug
(This time, the boy managed to stay in the embrace. He didn’t want to leave. Hanging on to Lima for
Qui: Obi-Wan, let go.
Qui: Unless you want to be Mr. Poof’s apprentice, let go. Now.
(He detached himself from Lima.)
Lima: Obi-Wan, It was a pleasure to meet you.
Lima: Yes. So many people these days are stuffy and go around hating the world…
Lima: No, no. I think your master has his hands full with you. And it’s just a bit stressful for him
Qui: A bit? Sometimes? You don’t have to live with that mouth.
Obi: You’re right, Lima. He does love me.
Lima: Yes, he does. Go on now. I’m sure we’ll see each other again.
(The young Jedi fell to the floor once more.)
Lima: But you have to learn to control that. It’s a bit odd.
Obi: Sorry. Bye, Lima.
Lima: Anytime. And behave yourself.
Qui: When bantha’s fly.
(By the time they got back to the temple and to their quarters, Obi-Wan was finally wearing down. His Lima
high had worn him out. Qui-Gon pushed him softly in the direction of the bedroom. Obi-Wan curled right
into bed after his master took his boots off. And within seconds, he was sound asleep. Qui-Gon retreated
when he heard the door chime sound.)
Qui: Bren, what brings you by this late?
Bren: I wanted to see how things went this evening.
Qui: I discovered the Lima secret that you and he were hiding from me. Teaching him to deceive his master.
Bren, I am ashamed of you.
Bren: Would you stop. If he had told you that Lima was going to be there, you never would have let him go.
Did he meet him?
Qui: And hugged him.
Bren: Aww, I wish I had been there to see it.
Qui: No, then you would have just slobbered all over Lima. You’re as bad as Obi-Wan is about that man. I
don’t get it. What’s so special about him? I mean, did you see that nose? And those eyes. One is smaller
than the other. What you two see in him, I will never know.
Bren: Loosen up, Stretch. Where’s the kid?
Qui: Out cold in his bedroom.
Bren: You mean he’s quiet? So we can…
(Without warning, Obi-Wan came bursting into the common area.)
Obi: I fall asleep for five minutes and you two are already talking about adult mush. I am never leaving
you guys alone again.
Bren: Hi kid. How’d you like the holo?
Obi: Holo? What holo?
Bren: The one you saw tonight.
Qui: Before you met Lima.
Obi: Oooooooooh. Sorry. Lima on the brain. The holo was okay. If I ever have an apprentice like Anakin,
murder WILL be an option.
Bren: And Lima?
(Obi-Wan slid off the couch.)
Bren: Ah, I see. The same reaction I have to him.
Qui: Back to bed with you, Padawan.
Obi: Can’t I watch one Lima holo before bed?
Qui: No, because that means you’ll be running your lips the entire time. Bren and I don’t want to hear
Bren: Obi-Wan, it is difficult to cuddle when you’re in the middle going on and on about Lima this and
Obi: But you love Lima.
Bren: True, but I love your master too.
Obi: Oh man. I feel the bile rising.
Qui: And it will keep rising until it departs your body.
Obi: That’s just not right. You’re a disgusting man, do you know that?
Qui: Bed. Now.
Obi: What if I have nightmares about Senator Ovaltine?
Qui: Then you’ll have a heck of a time staying awake tomorrow when I give you extra workouts for being
dishonest with me about this holo thing.
(Without another word, he hurried into his bedroom. Qui-Gon waited until he heard the door slide shut
before turning to Bren.)
Bren: Threaten him with a hard workout rather than no mush. Learning a new trick are we?
Qui: He just uses the mush thing against me. At least this way, I can get some kind of training into him.
If I don’t, he’ll be a padawan until he’s forty. I don’t have that kind of stamina. At this rate, I might
not make it until he’s fifteen.
Bren: But look at the joy he’s brought to your life.
Qui: Look at the gray hair he’s brought to my life. The stress lines. The high blood pressure. I was never
afraid of clowns until Obi-Wan became my apprentice.
Bren: You mean the one under your bed?
Qui: DON’T say that. There is not a clown under my bed. There’s not. No clown.
Bren: Uh huh. Shall we cuddle in your bedroom then?
Qui: NO! No. Um…no.
(A voice bellowed from the smaller bedroom.)
Obi: CAN’T SLEEP, CLOWN’S GONNA EAT MASTER QUI-GON!
Qui: GO TO SLEEP! THERE IS NO CLOWN UNDER MY BED. NO CLOWN. UNDERSTAND? NO CLOWN.
Bren: Then why are you so anxious right now?
Qui: No reason. Just tired.
Obi: I THOUGHT YOU SAID LYING WAS WRONG, MASTER?
Qui: Excuse me, Bren. I have a padawan to kill.
Bren: Qui-Gon Jinn. Leave him alone. He’s just trying to get under your skin. He knows just how to play
you. Don’t provide the ammo for him. He looked exhausted. It won’t be long until he’s sound asleep.
Qui: If this keeps up, I’ll end up like Brazo. Driven to insanity by a thirteen year old apprentice.
Bren: There is a bright side to all this.
Qui: Yes, his scary pale body.
Bren: No. The bright side is that he loves you. And that’s more than you can say about your last
Qui: Yes. If nothing else, I have that to hold onto as my sanity slowly slips away…bit by bit.
(Bren peeked her head into the boy’s bedroom. Obi-Wan was snoring softly, tucked into his blankets.)
Bren: Come on, he’s out. Let’s you and I take a stroll to Dex’s Diner for a malt-shake. You could use a
little bit of chocolate in your life. It’ll help the stress.
Qui: Obi-Wan will be upset that we went to Dex’s without him. He loves Dex.
Bren: He met Lima today. That’s enough to keep his head filled with happy thoughts for a week. We’ll take
him to see Dex after the Lima high wears off.
Qui: Dex will love to hear his story about meeting Lima. He has more patience with Obi-Wan than anyone
I’ve ever met.
Bren: Perhaps you can learn from him.
Qui: Or pawn Obi-Wan off on him from time to time.
Qui: Sorry. Just trying to be funny.
Bren: It’s not working. You and Obi-Wan haven’t even been together two years yet. Give him time to mature.
Qui: Okay, but as long as it happens before I’m completely gray and bald.
Bren: You can always wear a rug.
Qui: Let’s go before he wakes up and latches onto me for the rest of the night.
Bren: I’ll just gross him out with my nicknames for you. Works every time, sweet knees.
Qui: Oh, he didn’t tell you? He wants some disgusting nicknames of his own. He’s adapted his ears to the
sound of adult mush names. So, we are running out of ways to divert his attention away from us when want
Bren: Well, keep thinking, Qui-Poo. He’s your apprentice. I’m just a visitor.
Qui: I’ll never see sixty, will I?