title - My Star
author - Athena Leigh
summary - Obi-Wan watches his Master and thinks about him.
notes - Obi-Wan's POV. Since this story was the inspiration for my first ever haiku/Quiku, I'm including
the haiku in this post.
Hidden in darkness,
a guiding star to his boy,
Master shines so bright.
He is out there again. He sits on the balcony looking at the sky. The pervasive light of the city drowns
out the stars, but he looks up towards them just the same.
I have seen him out there before, sitting on the railing, one leg up on the edge bent close to him, the
other steadying himself on the floor. I cannot be sure what he is thinking about, but I believe he is
thinking about the other one, the one before me. Many thoughts must share their space in his mind during
the hours he sits out there alone, but they must most often turn to him. I know he hurts. Our bond is not
strong yet, but through the quiet that customarily fills it, his pain leaks out. I pretend I do not
notice; I know he values his privacy. I care about him and respect that.
I have not been under his tutelage long, but I wish we could be closer. He has not opened up to me very
much, but one thing has been clear to me. Qui-Gon is not the way everyone thinks he is; the cool, detached
Master is just a fašade to protect him, to hide the pain he does not want others to bear because of him,
and to protect his gentle heart from atrocities that would tear his soul to shreds if he did not put up
those shields. The real Qui-Gon is so caring, but they have not seen him around a hurt being, have not
seen him in action, giving, caring, full of compassion. The true Qui-Gon is not a great Jedi because he
lacks emotion but because he is so full of it. I wish I could learn his control.
He is so even-handed in his teaching. He will tell me what I have done right, and how to correct what I
have done wrong. He does not go easy on me, but I appreciate that he pushes me to be my best. I appreciate
his hard work, his sacrifice, for I know he has gone through this before only to have it all blast back in
his face in just a moment of lasting betrayal. It is this that makes me care about him, that makes me
worry when his eyes darken and he falls quiet and I know that something - a movement, a phrase, an
expression - has made those memories rise to the surface, and that I fear will keep us apart.
It is also his deep love of all that lives that I cherish. I admire it and aspire to be able to love so
deeply as he. Sometimes though, he forgets that he also is a living man and that he can be cared for. In
the past few years, he has closed off and given of himself without accepting the slightest in return. It
is very noble of him, but I think that it will destroy him if he continues. He needs someone's support; if
he gives all that he is, there will be nothing left.
He hardly moves out there. The stars are his only companions in this galaxy, his only steady guide. They
will always be there; he needs them. No matter what happens in his life, in our lives, the stars will
still shine. Even if he cannot see them during the daytime, through the city lights, or behind the clouds,
they are there and he will see them again. He can trust in that as in nothing else. It is his one
I want him to know that I am here for him, but even if I could, in an uncharacteristic, brazen moment, be
so bold as to outright state it to him, he would not be convinced. I want to show him that I will not
leave, but I do not know the way. As Master searches for a tender thread to keep from falling any farther
from light, I seek for a way to show him that he has not wasted his life, that he is not filled with
darkness. I have seen that thought in his eyes, when I make a mistake and he feels he is at fault. He
thinks that there is darkness in him and it would be better to be alone and let it consume him than to let
it destroy anyone who would potentially be close to him.
My Master's instincts must be wearing off on me as I am suddenly seized by the notion of going to him. As
if this night I will somehow be able to convey to him my oath to stand ever at his side, I start forward
toward the balcony. I have not in my mind what I will do or even say when I reach him, but if necessary I
will sleep curled at his feet out there. I tread quietly across the carpet, pausing only a second when I
reach the door and step out before I even recognize my hesitation.
I stop beside him. I have made no sound, but he knows that I am here. A moment passes and before I have
thought of my mode of action, his midnight gaze falls on me and he speaks.
"You must think I am mad to look at the stars when I cannot see them, but I feel them, all of them. They
are so strong, so beautiful."
"I know you are not mad, Master. I understand why you look." If only I could explain how much I
understand. "They are beautiful," I agree.
His eyes are hard as crystals, and they shine like them too. I wonder what he sees as he looks at me, in
me. Does he see all that I want to tell him, or only what he fears?
He moves off the railing but glances away. "There was a world I was once on where the natives revered the
stars above all else for their beauty and for their constancy." The cobalt crystals turn to me and a
callused finger touches my cheek. "Everything changes, but the stars remain." He cups my cheek. "Obi-Wan,"
he slowly states, "you are my star."
I cannot control my face as a great smile grows on it. "I promise I won't burn out any time soon, Master."
He actually smiles a true, happy smile. We both needed this. The moment possesses me and I murmur, "I- I
Unexpectedly, I am embraced in his mighty arms. I wrap my own little arms around him and hear his
heartbeat beneath the firm chest where my head rests. I am so glad I did not decide to return to my bed as
I usually do. I hope beyond hope that this moment will not be unique, that it will be only the beginning
of a stronger, open bond with Qui-Gon. Now I know for sure how much he cares about me and maybe even...
"Shouldn't you be in bed?" he whispers in my ear.
I smirk and answer, "You are more important, my Master."
"Oh?" I feel my feet lose contact with the ground. Qui-Gon has lifted me into his arms. Now that he has
reminded me of the hour, I feel the weariness in my head and the world becomes hazy as I drift off to the
gentle pulsation of his life force. He is carrying me somewhere, I cannot follow our movement, and he hums
some soft lullaby. I am terribly comfortable here.
"Qui-Gon, you are my star too, my guiding star. I won't get lost," I vow to him in a sleepy slur. I
imagine he smiles, but my eyes are closed.
I do not remember reaching my bed, but one last perception reaches me before sleep encompasses me.
"I love you too."